Becoming Hadyn

As a kid I always had a vision of what I would like to be like when I grew up. I wanted to be a good person but with all the things I thought would make me a man.



I wanted to be respected in a positive way but also I wanted people to be maybe not scared but to have an aura around me so people knew I wasn't to be messed with. As I grew up it became quickly obvious this wasn't going to happen. I was small, thin and as I was told on many occasions had a young/cute face. I was also bullied at school and also suffered out of school. I lived in a small community a good distance from any towns which meant feeling a bit trapped.



The reason I suffered out of school seemed to stem from the comfort I felt in female company which in turn helped me have numerous girlfriends while some of the other lads suffered being single even though they had what I wanted eg: notoriety, physical presence and confidence. This became a recurring theme until I learnt to drive and was able to spread my wings and meet new people. I got a job in a club working behind the bar in Blackpool and with this came a new group of friends. Everything was going swimmingly with my new friends having no preconceptions about who I was, instead just enjoying my company and liking me for being me. Working late at nights I didn't see the same people I had previously hung around with and I felt a new character coming out of me. This was awesome I thought until 2 car crashes stopped me being able to go to work as I had no way of getting there.

So I was out of work and forced into going back into the same old routine of my village. My new found confidence soon got slapped out of me by the the same people I had once been jealous of. I began drinking too much which meant saving no money and pissing my mother off. I also began to behave randomly trying to fit in with the very people I didn't want to fit in with. This changed when I met my next girlfriend who 9 years later became my wife. I began to spend more time with her and less in the pub. I got a new job, bought a car and we had some really good times. Through no fault of my own the people in my new job took it upon themselves to see me as a bit of a Jack the Lad, womaniser and for want of a better word trouble. I really wasn't but after several years of this sort of banter I actually began to believe the hype as they say. I got a bit bolshy, cocky, arrogant and full of myself. I think this had a lot to do with what happened with my now ex-wife. I assumed a swagger not unlike Liam Gallagher, something which is still there a bit but my physio says I have stop it as it's fucking my knees/ankles up.

Anyway we bought a house a considerable distance from my original home meaning I saw very little of my old friends. I'd always practised some form of martial art but had become very keen on kickboxing at this point of my life. Moving to a new area, new pubs, new friends meant new people had to make their opinions of me. I have always liked a drink so meeting people is generally down the pub. Being on my own I felt it necessary to exude confidence when first starting drinking round the new establishments. This transformed me into an absolute knobhead and becoming something I so wasn't. People assumed many things of me. After learning I was kickboxing along with my attitude I was a thug, hooligan and the more people that thought that my arrogance levels reached new highs.

The following lyrics may explain the way I was behaving http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_twang/dont_wait_up.html

I split up with my wife and began seeing someone who had worked in one of the pubs I drank in. Having to move out and not being able to afford a new house I rented one of my friends houses cheaply (thanks steve) and moved away. At this point I was a no-one in a pretty rough part of Preston well known for handy lads. I tried to keep up the persona but it ended up getting me into a lot of trouble. See these lyrics, http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_twang/got_me_sussed.html

Excuse The Twang links but they almost sound like a story of my life.

So I've sold my half of the house and go travelling. I've gone away on my own so at some points having scant regard for my safety ended up in some horrible places, luckily I got away with it but the arrogance and in your face Hadyn had taken a back seat. I ended up in LA on the way back where everyone seemed cool. I ended up drinking in http://www.barneysbeanery.com , a pretty cool bar where I got talking to some locals. When the questions came my way where are you from, where's that etc, the only place near where I was from they knew was Manchester which incidentally all my family are from and just 5 mins from Old Trafford (cue "do you know David Beckham"). What team do you support?... Manchester United.... Are you a football hooligan?...No... This went on for days with each new face that came in and me constantly denying it until the end of the week when the guys girlfriends/wives joined them. Again with the hooligan question, at this point I was more than pissed off so said "actually yes". Well fuck me the next thing you know all the women developed an interest in me. So I've gone all the way round the world to have the same opinion made of me without encouragement.

Back home, moved to Nottingham and started afresh. No arrogance, tried to keep the swagger down and got my head down. I've let myself become me and learned to accept that people are going to make judgement of you. Fortunately I have landed myself a great bunch of mates who don't care for any of all that stuff yet respect me for the man I now am. Not the man I wanted to be, or have been just the man I am now. I have still have my confidence but use it in a different way. I don't get any trouble when I go out but for the right reasons not because people are wary of me. I wouldn't change anything because all my experiences have taken me down a path which ended up in a place full of brightness. Yeah I still sometimes act like a dick and sometimes think I may had made some poor decisions but that doesn't mean they were wrong.

So to all the people I have wronged sorry, but for all of you who haven't actually met me yet I look forward to it and you'll enjoy it I promise.

Mr H

Lou

As an stranger I don't feel the pain the same, but a beautifully written passage like that deserves everyones sympathy and brought out an emotion I actually didn't think I was capable of feeling for someone I had never met.

I don't lie when I say I shed a tear or more.

I thank Lou for making me think a little more about my family and how much more I could do.

Deepest sympathy,

H