Becoming Hadyn

As a kid I always had a vision of what I would like to be like when I grew up. I wanted to be a good person but with all the things I thought would make me a man.



I wanted to be respected in a positive way but also I wanted people to be maybe not scared but to have an aura around me so people knew I wasn't to be messed with. As I grew up it became quickly obvious this wasn't going to happen. I was small, thin and as I was told on many occasions had a young/cute face. I was also bullied at school and also suffered out of school. I lived in a small community a good distance from any towns which meant feeling a bit trapped.



The reason I suffered out of school seemed to stem from the comfort I felt in female company which in turn helped me have numerous girlfriends while some of the other lads suffered being single even though they had what I wanted eg: notoriety, physical presence and confidence. This became a recurring theme until I learnt to drive and was able to spread my wings and meet new people. I got a job in a club working behind the bar in Blackpool and with this came a new group of friends. Everything was going swimmingly with my new friends having no preconceptions about who I was, instead just enjoying my company and liking me for being me. Working late at nights I didn't see the same people I had previously hung around with and I felt a new character coming out of me. This was awesome I thought until 2 car crashes stopped me being able to go to work as I had no way of getting there.

So I was out of work and forced into going back into the same old routine of my village. My new found confidence soon got slapped out of me by the the same people I had once been jealous of. I began drinking too much which meant saving no money and pissing my mother off. I also began to behave randomly trying to fit in with the very people I didn't want to fit in with. This changed when I met my next girlfriend who 9 years later became my wife. I began to spend more time with her and less in the pub. I got a new job, bought a car and we had some really good times. Through no fault of my own the people in my new job took it upon themselves to see me as a bit of a Jack the Lad, womaniser and for want of a better word trouble. I really wasn't but after several years of this sort of banter I actually began to believe the hype as they say. I got a bit bolshy, cocky, arrogant and full of myself. I think this had a lot to do with what happened with my now ex-wife. I assumed a swagger not unlike Liam Gallagher, something which is still there a bit but my physio says I have stop it as it's fucking my knees/ankles up.

Anyway we bought a house a considerable distance from my original home meaning I saw very little of my old friends. I'd always practised some form of martial art but had become very keen on kickboxing at this point of my life. Moving to a new area, new pubs, new friends meant new people had to make their opinions of me. I have always liked a drink so meeting people is generally down the pub. Being on my own I felt it necessary to exude confidence when first starting drinking round the new establishments. This transformed me into an absolute knobhead and becoming something I so wasn't. People assumed many things of me. After learning I was kickboxing along with my attitude I was a thug, hooligan and the more people that thought that my arrogance levels reached new highs.

The following lyrics may explain the way I was behaving http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_twang/dont_wait_up.html

I split up with my wife and began seeing someone who had worked in one of the pubs I drank in. Having to move out and not being able to afford a new house I rented one of my friends houses cheaply (thanks steve) and moved away. At this point I was a no-one in a pretty rough part of Preston well known for handy lads. I tried to keep up the persona but it ended up getting me into a lot of trouble. See these lyrics, http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/the_twang/got_me_sussed.html

Excuse The Twang links but they almost sound like a story of my life.

So I've sold my half of the house and go travelling. I've gone away on my own so at some points having scant regard for my safety ended up in some horrible places, luckily I got away with it but the arrogance and in your face Hadyn had taken a back seat. I ended up in LA on the way back where everyone seemed cool. I ended up drinking in http://www.barneysbeanery.com , a pretty cool bar where I got talking to some locals. When the questions came my way where are you from, where's that etc, the only place near where I was from they knew was Manchester which incidentally all my family are from and just 5 mins from Old Trafford (cue "do you know David Beckham"). What team do you support?... Manchester United.... Are you a football hooligan?...No... This went on for days with each new face that came in and me constantly denying it until the end of the week when the guys girlfriends/wives joined them. Again with the hooligan question, at this point I was more than pissed off so said "actually yes". Well fuck me the next thing you know all the women developed an interest in me. So I've gone all the way round the world to have the same opinion made of me without encouragement.

Back home, moved to Nottingham and started afresh. No arrogance, tried to keep the swagger down and got my head down. I've let myself become me and learned to accept that people are going to make judgement of you. Fortunately I have landed myself a great bunch of mates who don't care for any of all that stuff yet respect me for the man I now am. Not the man I wanted to be, or have been just the man I am now. I have still have my confidence but use it in a different way. I don't get any trouble when I go out but for the right reasons not because people are wary of me. I wouldn't change anything because all my experiences have taken me down a path which ended up in a place full of brightness. Yeah I still sometimes act like a dick and sometimes think I may had made some poor decisions but that doesn't mean they were wrong.

So to all the people I have wronged sorry, but for all of you who haven't actually met me yet I look forward to it and you'll enjoy it I promise.

Mr H

Lou

As an stranger I don't feel the pain the same, but a beautifully written passage like that deserves everyones sympathy and brought out an emotion I actually didn't think I was capable of feeling for someone I had never met.

I don't lie when I say I shed a tear or more.

I thank Lou for making me think a little more about my family and how much more I could do.

Deepest sympathy,

H

Conforming to type

As the title suggests todays blog is about peoples preconception of the person they are about to meet or have never met.

I myself have recently become single for the first time since I have been 19 (I'm 33 now), one of the reasons it took as long as it did as I was a bit worried that I would be looked on as a bit of a loser being single at 33 years old. However we did part company relatively amicably and I began the search for another partner.

I began to question whether the way I look/act/where I worked/what I drove would be a significant factor in the type of lady I would attract and thought about changing things because I thought as people say "I would be punching above my weight". I appreciate this was more down to a lack of confidence than anything else which annoyed me as I consider myself quite assertive and in control of most things in my life.

In the subsequent weeks I was going out with friends who were in a similar position as me. My friends are all successful in their own rights yet don't really conform to type. One friend who is in a lecturing position should by societies rights at 41 be taking it easy in a comfortable job, which is true to say he is in a position of authority yet it was nice to be at a gig when he jumps up and was crowd surfing for a couple of minutes. He clearly couldn't give a rats ass and I liked it. Other freinds have very respectable positions in large companies yet we can all mix it up on a Sunday in the scruffs and chew the fat in the pub.

This rambling comes into its own when I didn't change my style/car/job/attitude and was attending a film premier and having drinks afterwards. I had been at a trade show all weekend and rushed home to attend said premiere having had 10 minutes to shower/get dressed and ended going in jeans,trainers and a hoody (all clean by the way). Anyway back to the drinks, I was with my friend and his lady friend who had had more time to get ready and looked smarter than I. We were called over by a couple who my friend vaguely knew (met once before I think) and we sat down. As everyone introduced themselves/re-introduced themselves said couple dismissed me and wouldn't even look my way. I can only presume this was down to my attire. 2 mins later I was involved in a conversation with a fellow tweeter who I have never met yet has proved to be a pleasure to know.

Which brings me round to Twitter. Most people who I speak with on Twitter have never met me but have developed an understanding of my humour/lack of it but have maybe built up a general idea of who I am/what I look like. I would be of interest if all the people who use twitter on a regular basis would be confident of having a friendship based on their twitter experience or may be dismissive if the person didn't look how they expected.

Anyway I'm not changing anything about me apart from letting my confident/assertive side manifest itself on my personal (dare we say dating) life. It seems to be working and a certain ex-military has had a bearing on that saying in summary "If you want it go and get, if it doesn't work out it just means it wasn't right in the first place.

If you've managed to get to this point thanks for reading and sorry to have dragged on. I know I've only touched on the subject but you've probably all had enough by now, in which case join me for a pint one day in your scruffs and we'll go through the finer points.

Mr H.

Friends

So tonight I made a bit of a breakthrough in my own mind. I was going to a gig (The Twang + Little Comets) with Dr G but we were not sure if we were going to get in or not, (no tickets, getting on the guest list via our friends).

Beforehand our friend brumstroker made an appearance and after he had too many beers with his friends from Newcastle decided he would come with us to the gig place but not the gig then meet his friends.

That's fine I thought but while at said gig venue we began talking about my recent ex-girlfriend. All good really but I had been a little unsure about my leaving her and maybe thought I was in the wrong and was making mountains out of molehills.

Not so it appears! It transpires that in the following weeks after our split that all I had said became true.

It came to man love, we hugged out and for the first time in a long while I realised how close my friends have become. Dr G and I saw the gig and went for a drink and during this time I figured out how much G,G,Mr P,Shaz:),DQ,Tim,Hull and you all mean to me.

So thank you I love you all,

Mr H

Jealousy Clunge

Last night while chatting over a friendly pint with my friend Dr G http://subcultureart.blogspot.com/ we were verbally set upon by our mutual friend who we shall call Brumstroker. Dr G and I were discussing our recent attempts at lady smooching. Brum was rubbishing our attempts and declared if he was single that all our attempts would be futile and all lady types would be actively hunting him down ruining it for the rest of us.

Dr G and I decided his confidence was fuelled by his jealousy at our active and enjoyable single social life and his mocking of our female interests formed the term "Jealousy Clunge", meaning a lady who Dr G and I may refer to as attractive is frowned upon by Brumstroker due to Brumstroker's relationship restraints.

Mr H

First blog posting

So here it is, my first posting.

What is it that people want to hear about when viewing a blog from someone you've never met?

A friend of mine Richard suggested that a weekly update with some of my stories from my youth which I bore him with while we're drinking in our local. This seemed like a good idea as I can use my blog as a testing ground for the book of short stories I'm trying to work on.

Thoughts please!

H